Gosh. Stop IT!

oh well.
havent had the chance to blog.
this week had been an eventful one.
full of things to do, and so much things to think about.
i wonder when my brain cells will get some rest.

Monday was bad.
had a rather not interesting talk with meli and janelle.
or rather, we fought.
im not sure how to define it. difficult to explain in simple words.
basically, i don't deserve to be her friend.
according to her.
she's filled with disappointment. well, so am i.

how do one define how much one person loves and care for their family.
i don't know how her philosophy came about.
money = future.
how sad. still unable to swallow the things she said.
even the biggest heart has shrunk to perhaps something smaller than usual.
so raw and vulnerable.

so im defined as not feeling the pain watching my parents suffer.
by my dad working damn hard everyday
with my mum being a full time and tired housewife having to worry abt bills everyday
and my insensitive eldest bro and sis-in-law who perhaps know more abt money than r/s.
having to hear mum grumbling abt them, yet i cant say or do anything being the youngest.
giving them any amt of money within my limits anytime they need it.
what have i not done well?
i don't know.
but somehow. after the talk on monday night.
i can say im really demoralized. over the life im having, the way im showing my love to my most beloved ppl in this whole wide world.

money is not everything to me.
i've nv cared so much abt it other than recognizing it as an essential need for living.
being stressed over money? yes i admit, it's happening all the time.
but that certainly doesnt mean i have to earn big bucks.
by that bits of cash im earning and giving, i don't see why am i not helping.
i jsut couldnt understand.
unable to stand at her position to look at this.
but yes, she did her part in making me feel rather useless. thanks meli.
and yup, by believing the face that all can make their own choice in life. i don't seem to be deserving a friend like her.
it's okie. it's sad and i havent been able to get over it even after days.
but i'll just accept that we're diff. and so be it. i'll nv ever want to be like her.
i've nv wanted to be anyone. just be myself. and it's alr difficult.
how am i to learn to be someone else? no way.
i don't want friends who think they don't deserve me.
and.. so much abt being more matured. thanks. i know im childish. really. but words that came out, certainly din feel like u're much older.

so. yup. issue shall end here and forever. i mean it. will not talk about HER anymore in my blog. whatever thats said, shall remain here. and yes. i wonder when we'll ever talk again.

depressive mood.
working hasnt been the most fun thing on earth.
but it certainly brought me out of my little lingering thoughts.
just that... bloody bdae card making is driving me mad.
i thought one night of agony and chionging was good enough.
just the next day, im told to make an A3 poster. 'Staff of the month'?
like hello. wad am i to you. somebody who's damn free after 6pm?
being the nice and junior me, i just had to say.. YES> okie.
though i don't dislike making all these, it's the feeling of making me do things that sucks.

what else?
as usual, sucky schedule making me feel like im a machine OT-ing all the time.
just because i don't say anything, they're going all over my head.
my leave day is being threatened once again.
this time round, i shall not barge.
so much for staff entitlement. to hell with that.
why isit so difficult to even take 14 DAYS off in 356 days?

money matters, sucky job im working in,
my responsibility and contribution at home..
are all being questioned.
character wise? im no longer sure if wad im doing is right.
sigh.

labtop isn't coming.
getting damn sicka nd tired of waiting.
perhaps i'll pop by singtel shop this weekend. they're so going to get it from me.

it's damn late now.
i think i should just slp
and stop emoo0-ing like nobody's business.
my heart is not as big as before.
why should we be nice and tolerant to ppl? i wonder.
annoying thoughts, STOP IT!

gdnight.