No title for today. cant think of any.



mc today. went to see dr again regarding my bad tummy. oh well. diff medications today. but almost the same thing. advice from dr was not to take spicy stuff and it's hurting because of my gastric. if it gets worse, it could jolly well lead to some other things like ulcer la anything la. i also don't know wad he was talking about. because i don't remember. had STM. or rather, i was more of in a daze than not remembering anything.



well. happy aniiversary to myself. this could be like the happiest day of my life. yeah. well. i wore nicer stuff than usual when i got out of my hse. was rather excited about the fact that we're supposed to go singing at kbox together after work. ha. in the end, all these did not happen.

last night was going thru some photos taken a few years back. just wanted to share with him some funny stuff that i realised by looking at them. who knew, i called at a perfectly wrong timing. he was halfway thru his online game. and i guess my phonecall killed him or soemthing. i don't know. all i knew was to get startled when he picked up my phone. Using a super irritated tone, he asked me wad do i want. obviously, i din think i needed anything from him anymore. so i hung up the phone. to me, that was called shouting. to me, that was fierce. and to me, all these happened cuz of a game, something that i nv ever wanted to happen to myself agian. because it happened before, i hate guys who play games. cuz it felt like, the attention would nv be back on me again after they started indulging in their games. that happened before. so what made me so sure now it's not the starting? whatever la.

yup. this morning i pretended nothing happened and asked where were we going. oh, and finally this time round it was him who asked why did i pretend nothing had happened. he was angry, that i accused him of shouting at me. come on. how many times i said that line, why are u pretending nothing has happened? this time round, he used it on me. and soon after tt, yeah, hes sorry but he din feel like going out today. yeah. backed out on me. yes. and I MADE IT HAPPEN. that sentence totally stabbed me right there.

i made it happen? yeah. all along. over all these months. i kept making things happen. made it in a way that i no longer know, when did i not make things happen? over a thing like that, he could back out on me. wad happy anniversary? bullshit. i'm always accusing. yeah. i've mastered the skill of accusation.

everything is my fault. is that wad he wants to hear? i'm sorry? no way. he wanted me to stop letting him give in to me. so all this while, its always been him compromising and accomodating, and giving in, and contributing. i did nothing? i did no shit all these while?

i've had enough. this is enough. making me cry early in the morning certainly didn't help. hiding at some corner of novena square trying to stop my tears was practically PATHETIC. until i realised i couldnt bring myself to work. i decided to go to the dr in the end.

not his fault. all along it had been me. maybe in the first place, i shouldnt have came iinto his life. causing both of us such misery..? so many things that i shouldnt have done? took a long ride home this eveining. and no matter how much i slept in the afternoon im still so tired right now. cuz i couldnt stop thinking and linking to the fact that it's my problem.

this is not going to work. im losing it. seriously. all these things will just accumulate and be brought up all the time during a quarrel and fight. eventually, we'll break up. i hate to see that happening. but i realised, if it's going to happen, it will.

because i needed to learn to give in according to him, a day like that, he decided to give it a miss. too harsh. too bad a lesson to be learnt by me. a totally wrong method for me to realise my mistake and say sorry. cuz i'll not do it. tell me that im stubborn.

i decided not to do anything more. since to him. i've had not gave in before and done anything. let it be.

not another sleepless night. why is this always happening. couldnt get my pay in time this time round. fuck la. im seriously fucking pissed off with my life. just leave me alone la. this is depressing.