Definition of Happiness

You will never be happier than you expect.

To change your happiness, change your expectations.

When i was younger... i always thought, as long as we're contented with what we have, we'll be happy. how naive and innocent i once was. but perhaps that was the like the happiest time of my life. though there're setbacks and evreything else that built up till now.

Now. i don't know what defines happiness. that i had to search online to give myself a clue. One that i found that seemed so true. when we've lower expectations of oneself and others, expectations are met, and we'll be happier.

At work. everything i do, it requires certain expectations and standards. so every moment i work, how i walk, how i stand, makes a difference in the points they're grading me anytime they want. i have to be cautious in things i say and do. every moment standing there in my uniform, i feel like im taking a test. not to mention the countless patient information leaflets on different medications that piled up like a huge dictionary i've collected. so that i could start studying. not another a4 file for me to bring home and read. all about way of doing things and rules and regulations. probably get tested tomor. my legs are finally getting used to standing. and now my brain needs to get used to studying all over again. So.. once i study finish all that i've collected, passed all my tests..i'll be happier? i don't know.

LTC has been pushed back and back. i don't know if i could commit. some part of me refuse to go back to school at all. because i know working life is taking my breath away. not in a good way, but im feeling out of breath. havent been feeling well. physically, emotionally, mentally. can i be less stressed? stomachaches had simply been killing me. perhaps i've some tumour growing inside, or some ulcer in the gastric, or some nonsense organism multiplying every moment when i breathe.

I'm happy with jeffrey. but sometimes, thigns just doesnt go the way we want it. im not sure. are we running away from the problem, hiding it so well, thats why we're happy? because i know... some part of me just don't feel good. i cant describe in words. seeing each other too often. made us not appreciative of each other? made us not sensitive to each other's needs? i don't know. i nv had a clue on how all these go. hurtful words always just spill out like boiling water, scalding every part of us. the redder it gets, more painful it becomes. I know i always say things withoug thinking. after that, i'd be guilty because i know i could have dealt with it in another way. something i gotta learn. but im still learning. give me bit of leeway because im seriously still learning. but very often, theres no leeway. because i give ppl no way of backing out from the quarrel. and im sick and tired of all these. making it seem like im always the one being unreasonable. but iim just saying how i feel about the whole thing. thats being wilful and talking crap? and not sparing a thought for anyone? i don't know. perhaps. i always do that i know. but one always has to be a bad person to point out wads going the wrong way, isnt it? I don't feel happy at all whenever this happens. but i'll learn to be strong from the inside out. i'll not be the grace like the previous time in the past. never will be. so not showing the insecure side of me, would make things better. would make both of us happier? if thats the case, i'd do it. cuz i want to be happy. i want him to be happy. by all means.

i don't know why conversation always get stuck halfway. and silence follows. but i do know how it totally feels. it always makes my heart sink so deep. i missed the times we really talked. walks on the beach. sitting by the breakwater. i missed the long bus rides from tampines to home. cuz we could have so much time just to talk without being distracted by anything else. i missed him.

parents and brother going genting this weekend. because of ltc training, i decided to stay behind without following them. home alone. i hope being alone doesnt mean loneliness would grow in me.