grrrr. wad a COLD day. it's been raining nonstop for the past 3 days. today it practically flooded areas in spore. i was freezing at work half of the time instead of working properly. but oh well, was rather busy for the whole day today. now my eyes are rather tired cuz i'd been taking stocks for the entire afternoon before i officially ended work. yawn. oh well, and also, im no longer a bunny girl in the skit..... i become the male lead!!! gosh. cuz my friend's having chicken pox. oh man. anyway the skit's bit lame, it's reveresed gender. haha how gay. im not for the role at ALL. im praying hard that he commes back by fri night. sighhhhhhhh.
my shoulders are aching like crap. sigh. old ailment. i feel like an old lady. as usual. it's been hurting occasionally ever since i was in sec sch. so i guess, i am an old lady. haha.
well. found out new stuff about bendy. and im shocked. and rather siappointed. haaaaaaa. sian. i would nv thought he could do such a thing. sighhh probably i misunderstood? though it's long time ago, and im no longer feeling anything funny nowadays... it's still quite sad if i feel that someone's been lying to me all along. i duno how to describe that feeling. but it just sucks la. i guess i just lead a sad life, my life's always revolving around ppl who would just be mean and try to do lame stuff to me. weird pattern. sighhhhh. rather pissed too. but wad to do. anyway it's over. guess i'll be fine tmr morning when i wake up.
well. i feel that jeff's mad at me. im not sure. but i could just feel that he's unhappy. being with me can be sucha burden sometimes right? having a gf who would have random mood swings.. sometimes being oversensitive.. and bring worked up over some things that other guys do. who wouldnt be mad? ha... im getting so fat. self esteem seriously low to max. damn sian. life sucks. hai... was throwing a little of a tantrum earlier on. not used to the expression on jeff's face when he starts becoming serious and angry, even if i was just joking. sigh. duno la. im jsut a fat girl after all. fat fat fat. why would i not take it seriously? after all, HELLO im a girl. im sad. very sad.
depressing day la. i knew today would be a moody day for me. i would just like to stare into the sky with raindrops falling over the ground. and go into a daze. lousy night indeed. having someone telling me that i grown fatter, and found out something which i think i would nv want to know in the frist place, but curiosity killed me la. oh well. im confused over what kinda person ben really is.
I dun want a bf who would always know how to cheer me up, but one who would sit there with me when im just throwing a tantrum or feeling down, even if he doesnt say a word. the presence matters. i guess.
and the club's worrying me big time. it feels like it's falling apart everyday. eveery new day, i hear a new prob about someone in the club, adding to the exisitng ones. i wont want ppl who just want to have fun. i want those that are able to go thru hardships. i want those who would wholeheartedly want to serve the sch, the students in the sch. i don't want ppl coming to tell me they need money, they need to work.. so no time for club. i want ppl to learn to be empathetic, cuz while in the midst of feeling the financial constraints and the need to work, others are suffering because of the unwillingness to commit to the projects in the club. i dun want ppl who are short sighted, only see themselves right now, and right now. i want ppl who could think for far, think abt wad they want to be from wad they're doibng now, think wad kinda things they can achieve. Most imptly, i want ppl who would create fun for all, than to enjoy and have fun only amongst themselves. i despise ppl who just quit cuz it's not fun. after all, it was nv said to be DAMn fun being in the club. fun? yeah, when everything goes well. but most of the time, it's nv like that. it'll be fun, if everyone's willing to put their whole heart into it, but it's nv fun to have ppl trying to opt out from this family.
im disappointed. once and once again. when can i stop having such sucky feeling? im anrgy, when can i stop feeling htis way? im feeling helpless, when did i become like that? i do't know. i only konw, these feelings had nv gone away, they kept coming back to hit me real hard. be in in the omring, during lunch, at night before i slp. problems of the club just haunt me. im emontionally and mentally tired. it takes much efforts to worry about more and more ppl in the club every new day. GOd, please grant me the streength that i need.
My fruit of labour, what would it be? i duno, cant anticipate anymore. nowadays i can only feel the weak part of me. sigh. im not strong at all.
i love eveyerone in the club. they're my friends, my family. but apaprently, im not sure how mnay think it that way. it's just so... one-sided. it's so chilling to feel that way. sigh. well. wadever la
nights. it's been a lonng long rainy and whiny day for me.
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