i'm finally back home. after a horrendously long hours OLTC.
i thought i would feel good going home on sunday night and get ready to slp for work tomor.
and yet, walking out of TP with a heavy heart was one of a kind.
may not have the energy to be typing blog for next few days.
so shall just sum it up.
it's not going to end here.
the disappointment, confusion, drawing lines.
you said you'll come for the camp.
you sure did.
but what did you do?
spent most of your time sitting in the staff room doing the god knows what stuff.
instead of dong something to improve on the camp.
this is your project. not mine not clar's.
we're back cuz of the people we don't wish to see dying.
on the first night, the whole entire camp was unhappy
because even till 2 plus, they're still awake doing all the i don't know what things.
maze. to complete overnight? without air con?
you said, grace we're having impt meeting. i'm the bad person, so you shall be the comforter.
make them feel better.
rights.....
i had people running all over, looking frustrated, depressed, tired, lethargic
u name it, i have it.
how many small talks did i have in order to keep things going.
only to get the reply from you, 'grace, it's enough'
fine, i shall not nag, shall not care.
i'll just go on. since im in the camp already, theres no way we should let it fall.
*even if it means you're not going to be around.
Day 2.
ever changing day.
we had to get down to work becaused u said so.
we did.
yet, after that, you chose to change your mind.
we got scolded for being helpful to the kids, for interfering.
whats next? when your mood got better, you decided to something abt the programme.
then.... YOu said so, again. come, lets do work.
we did.
later, you went home to shower.
a simple phonecall, to tell me those 2 needed to get things done by that night for next day's prog.
so wads that? means... should we help? or you're merely informing?
yes, you help. you said so, again.
we did not. we shall not.
so it was right of you to be showing different faces at diff times of the day.
it was wrong of us to say, We just din want to do it, so we din help.
i don't owe you a living.
to meet your expectations, i helped the kids again.
not for you, but for them.
day3.
walked into staff room in the morning,
just to find you lying on the floor with gossip girls playing on comp.
that tells me, you disappeared the whole night last night watching gossip girls.
leaving me to slp not once again at 330am just to churn out things that u wanted.
things that u should have done, instead of us.
fine. that shall be it.
i thought. it will be right, if i just follow my heart.
if i really want to help, i'll just do it.
even if that means i may seem to be helping you to finish up this proj,
i'll do it. because it's for all these people.
but what happened?
i saw these kids, not growing.
not learning their mistakes.
thinking that, nvm, just do it.
if we cant do it, clar and grace will be there to support and pick up the mess.
"we're really tired, can we take a break?"
"give instructions with everyone NOW, we don't have walkies, so call us if you start changing instructions again"
"yes yes, troubleshoot. i know i know"
"nevermind lah, have fun first, work later"
my heart just became heavier.
progs were pushed up because of the fact that work wasnt finished.
yet, having fun became more impt than finishing up the pending tasks.
i said, i'll leave after troubleshooting.
but it nv came, waited and waited. till 9 plus.
still not coming.
alright, lets go home.
why should we beg and ask you to do things.
be it the old, or the young.
don't make it as though it's our responsibility for work to be done.
tiring.
now i do not know.
did we do things right in the first place.
perhaps, nv stepping in would be the perfect choice.
at least, there wont be so much disappointments
there will be no strain of relationship between those who were friends.
appearing too much wasnt a good idea.
week zero, perhaps, we should just stay out of it.
don't assume, we're here to catch you all the time.
because, you'll not learn anything.
in fact, i thought, you have not learnt, people.
no different, from the bunch of participants attending the camp right now.
it's okay. it's all over now.
the burning question: have i not done it correctly?
will take awhile to find the answer.
i was offered to join the student development's team.
that means helping out in studies club officially.
initially, i was happy.
now.. i'm not sure.
what if it all goes back to the last year of asc back in those days
the days that were filled with so much disappointments.
i wonder if passion lasts.
damn tired. going to bed.
this week is gonna be bad!
4 days of deliveries. good luck grace. nights
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