Lethargic

i'm darn tireddd

f* up day once again.
f words just came like a river.
missed my appt with my beloved mag hor for lunch.
so basically, i've had nowhere to air.

stepped in, 830.
got scolded for throwing away the agar plates too early.
yes. my fault, i apologised.
my partner asked me with a shocked face,
'huh u threw them away???'
hello. she was with me the whole time when i was doing it.
and when i said im throwing all away, she was basically busy with her own stuff.
so wad could i do? do it my way loh.

so much for not expecting me to master it soon since im new.
BULLSHIT. you're not giving me breathing space at all.
i cant freaking breathe even.

everyone's asking me to do this, do that, do this, do that.
yes. i tried my best. but in the end, u know that when u've too many things to focus on, somethings just become slipped short. sorry.
im getting freaking frustrated.
when things go wrong, it's always me. my partners always don't get the chiding. hello?

she was damn kept up with her own assigned task today.
so my job was to help to prepare ALL the medium needed for lab on monday.
i was out the whole morning delivering ice cream and settling some documents all the way in north vista sec.
had only 15 min for lunch and i rushed to lab.
but too bad lah. it's just ME and it's ME who's new.
obviously im fucking slow.
few thousand mLs to prepare lEh. not like few hundred.
at 5pm. im finally done.
then? AUTOCLAVE needed bloody 2 hrs.
one kind tso said i shd have done autoclaving no matter how busy i was in the morning.
fuck it lah. my soul do huh.
think i don't know isit. if i have time i wont be so stupid to be stuck in lab the whole afternoon.
im bloody hell not a full-time TSO here im sorry.

so in the end how? ending work time today is 530pm.
no choice, placed them in fridge, gotta do it first thing in the morning.
if it has to flop, it will.

i stayed back to prepare mORE things. left office officially at 630pm.
i think this is just going to increase in frequency.
perhaps monday as well.

it's seriously not about having tonnes of work to do.
its about ppl supposed to help, don't help.
ppl supposed to help, get loads of OTHER work, how to help?
ppl that can help, cant be bothered, DAMN BUSY. as if im not. as if im doing insignificant stuff.
ppl don't teach properly, leave u to die, flops, u die.
wtf.

i know. i know. i'll suck it up. soon.
not now. hopefully over the weekend it'll be fully digested.
cuz next monday shall be another round of chionging.
it's the feeling of incompetency thats pulling me down.
i cant do it. i just cant! sigh.
feel like slapping myself a 1000 times over. if thats gonna help me do better at lab.

i need to get used to this. i really need to.
i must learn not to be a pushover. being new doesnt mean i cant say no.
i KNOW. and.. call and ask ppl when it's ur own prob. why must i always be the one!

too nice. not good.
too kind. not good.

freak lah.

damn tired.
gdnight