im hurting everywhere

brrr. on mc today.
my gastric had been bad since sunday.
sigh. it got especially worse last night.
it was so painful that i broke out in cold sweat!!!
so this morning, i decided to go and see the doc.

sigh. this stupid doc that i visit all the time..
always give me that kidna retarded face.
sometimes im not sure if i should trust his diagnosis.
u know.. one day i think i may die without knowing why. HAHA.

anyways. i was only given antacid to chew on the whole entire day.
its seriously not very helpful cuz anyway, it's like the mildest kinda gastric med.
and thats why.. i say the doc can be quite retarded sometimes.
but yeap. being an obedient patient, i had been chewing on antacids.

i think im going blind the next min cuz im staring into this bloody bright screen
in the dark. it's hurting my head now. HAHA.

my whole body is aching too.

sometimes.. i pray that i can just stop hurting.. everywhere.
or anywhere..

and when i feel weak physically.
im sorry but i seriously dont wish to help out those that are weak in their mind and spirits.
like.. seriously, what can i do?
and espeically when it's so clear that im only his option and nv a priority.
not forcing him to be able to, but at least, not an option ALL the time.
and to start picking up the mess, can be quite annoying. or rather, freakingly annoying.

how to be strong when ur mind doesnt allow u to?
how to learn to stand back to ur feet when u don't want to?
how to decide u want to when ur heart simply doesnt allow u to?
so many qns. im sure no one have the perfect answers.
thats why, humans need to learn ALL the time. and not to stay at the same blind spot ALL the time and just saying, im sorry, i still cant see.

not that u cant see. but u don't wish to.
sometimes it's the will more than what u cant do.
i believe in that. cuz im going thru that to.

i mean.. it's just a matter of getting used to things
and new life. and momentary emptiness.
it can be filled, but definitely not by her.
cuz even if she fills up ur life, its once again, momentary.

i don't know wad the heck im talking.
don't even know if im making sense.
haha. just.. need a break. until i stop hurting.

blah. need to go back to work tomor.
i seriously wish my stomach will be a better temple for me.