update

yup. havent been able to come online. my comp is near to destruction. haha. can throw it away already la. havent had the energy to come online anyway. almost every night i had been back in school for sports week.

well. had a big fight with bendy on friday night. until now i still cant sotp myself from thinking about it. sigh. bendy has changed. no longer the guy i once knew from week zero. im disappointed, sad and bewildered. wad caused all these changes? or was he like that all along? just that i din know him that well after all. being a first aider, i thot the responsibility is great, no one should even throw this responsibility to someone else. but he did. the importanct of safety, i thot he should know it the best. but he didn't. all he told me was, aiya, nothing bad would happen one la. such sentences coming out from a first aider, such sentences coming out from the guy i trusted to be a good first aider during week o, shocked me. if i could just throw the first aid bag to anyone else, even someone who was ONCE a first aider, but now without a qualified cert, i would kindly do so and end his misery of being one, and putting all my participants at risk.

after a whole half a year or more. he hasnt learnt. wad have he learnt? to pose as a president, definitely. but he has not learnt, to be a real leader who would take care of the welfare of not only himself, his club, as well as the school. he hasnt learnt that responsibility that he ought to have. i failed as a mentor. i did not do a good job. oh well. as much as i tried to compromise cuz of his family probs, cuz of his restrictions, but i nv once compromised when he has a duty to fulfill and he did not do it well. it goes the same to this time round.

i would not hand the club over to someone like him. someone whom i cant trust anymore. he could be a great friend, a great figure to ppl in school. but to me, he's just someone who's unwilling to take in suggestions, ideas and LEARN. no openness of his mind, not humble enough to ask when he doesnt know a shit. to me, he's nothing. nothing hurts more to see my club's ppl not learning, and the leader dun give a damn abt it. nothing hurts more, when all these irresponsibles words came out from him, and i once strongly believed that all he needed was more time, and he'd be a great leader.

im utterly disappointed. walked from from the court, wanted to go home. ended up breaking down in front of azuan. i nv wanted anyone to see that side of me. even if i meant to cry alone at home. i would gladly do so. but i couldnt hold it within myself anymore. the anguish and disappointment was just too great for me to bear. all these months, sip worn me out. now i realised why i couldnt leave the club to him in peace. cuz i cant. and i would not from now on. his attitude freaked me out.

i came to see. ben's like another alex. alex from last yr's sub comms. now i know why he once told me he could be like alex if he wanted to. i thought he wouldnt be. how gullible could i get. ha. im stupid.

it's hard to describe the disappointment i have in myself right now. i thot i could have ran the club in a diff way this year. but it's out of my control. i thot bendy could be the best candidate to run the club, as he learns. but i was wrong, all he learnt, was some admin skills, he did not learn any values, virtues, or improved himself in his own way thru the club. whether it's cuz he refused to open himself up, or i failed to let him see it.. it's already too late. i only know, im losing everything that i've tried to build up so far.

the club, to bendy, is an obligation. something that he ought to be running, thats why hes obliged to be here. the club, to me, is a passion, a commitment, a family. but he's destroying it bit by bit with his indifference and arrogance in knowing everything.

and the main comms. im disappointed. asm uch as i gave pet talks, sent emails, hoped that things improved. but few bothered. did things at their own pace, advisors gotta chase them for things, i gotta constantly keep them to date... im tried and im tired. no initiative, no nothing.

what is the club becoming? in a big mess. i dun want to see it anymore. it only makes me sadder. it used to be the source of my happiness, cuz i saw it growing. now, im hit real hard. i duno how i could make things better. i duno how to make my sub comms less tired, how to make my main comms more independent, how to let my sub comms feel that the main comms are always there to help them.

im at a loss. i failed in putting the club together. i failed in taking care of the welfare of my ppl. i see ppl wanting to leave the club, i see ppl not putting in enough effort, i see ppl cant be bothered. is this the club i wanted to see at the starting of the year? no, and definitely, i nv expected it to be so bad as well. everyday as i see the club progressing, i feel myself crying inside me. sometimes, i choose to keep quiet, cuz i know nothing i say would help since no one would listen to me.

i failed to do everything. i always thought i could be a source of support, but i couldnt. disappointed in myself. i cant do anything more. wad would happen?

need to study for test now. having retest tmr. another night of pain it shall be. im prepared.