One eventful week

yeah. i know i havent been updating. yeah. din really have a chance to. since i'm using bro's labtop.

hmmm christmas was a blast for me. =) went fishing with uncle ken and levin, charm and keith! =) one of the most relaxing fun time outdoor. though it rained, thank god for raining real heavily only after we packed up and were leaving for charm's house. wow, we had turkey that weighed 5.5kg gotten by levin, fruit cocktail by cheryl, aglio oglio cooked by charm's mum, and my pathetic pasta, gladys' christmas platter, for dinner! and jEff came along. i was happy. cuz he came, and din seem to be really awkward. hope next time he could join us again. it'd be good if my friends know him. =) cuz i'll be happy. =) drank, but still went to work the next day.

on tue, wow. met up with deborah the first time since she's back from aust! she pat me on my shoulder, and i simply gave her a big fat hug when i turned around. was so happy. missed her so much for the past few months. hoping things would get better with her around. hmmm. wallace, and about another 9 of us went over to deb's house for dinner.. they ordered pizza and kfc. and we played stupid games, and a game called the polar bear. wow. it was damn fun. talked abit after tt until like 12 plus and we made our way home in the rain. rain had been sucky, cuz it simply made one moody. sigh! and COLD.

and on wed.. i went to cut my hair. or lets say.. TRIm. haha. only my fringe bascically. oh. bad thing was, i nearly fainted on my way home. thank god jeff was there. HA.. it sounded really funny that i nearly faiinted. but i did feel damn giddy, and was walking sideways. haha. and when i got home, my head just fell to one side once i sat down.. and i was left in that position with my head spinning for the next 15 min. it was scary. sigh. guess i was lack of slp or something.
anyway in-patient pharmacy just got busier and busier each day, despite it's my last week in there before i go somewhere else. hmmm. even until fri, it was HELL busy. but i believe i did have a fruitful learning time when i was in there. so all was good, will miss the aunties there who all gave me christmas chocs and cookies. =)

well. was supposed to catch deathnote with jeff zw and jx on thurs. but wallace last min called me back to have a meeting with ms hor and ah ben. hmmm. it was like 2 hours long when he claimed it'll be short. HAHA. so in the end, we missed the show. how sad. but the meeting was long yet impt. cuz it was an assessment of the ppl's commitment and any apparent problems in the club. i guess it's time to do it since... new year's coming.

tired. fri's meeting.. was one that i couldnt figure if im still feeling okie abt it. 10 over ppl were missing from the meeting. couldnt make it, din turn up, whatever reasons were thrown to the table. but sigh, the turnout made bendy really mad. i guess i know where he's cmoing from. he gave a stern warning, telling everyone that if they're not interested or feel that asc is too much for them to commit, by all means, leave the club. i could see that he was really angry, first time expressiing himself in sucha manner in front of the club. sigh. disappointing. but, wad was heartening was some of the sub comms continued to give us suggestions on how things could be improved, im glad and feel that, perhaps, theres still hope.

end of meeting. talked to shingo before he left. this upsetted me the most. he told me, he wants to leave. leave the club for good. well, i kinda expected it. but din know it kinda pricked me really hard when he said it right in front of my face. how sad. knew him for more than a year, i couldnt see the old him, all i saw, was one guy who looked disappointed, lifeless, and perhaps, depressed and lost hope in ev erything hes doing. how did the club make him become like that? i duno. i was saddened, yet, still tried to make him stay.. however.. i realised wadever i said, was pointless, cuz to him, im no longer the grace he knew. the club is no longer the club he wanted to be in so much in the very beginning.

im very sad. so sad, that i dun feel like talking about it. dun feel like thinking wads going to happen next without shingo in the club, who's gonna take over him.. etc. cuz, all im thinking now, how could i make him stay? and... what have we done, to drive him away. i know, all the other factors, evrything else he's facing outside might be the main reason why he wanted to leave. but he told me.. he lost the passion for the club. we ppl, are no longer the ones he want to stick with. cuz we seemed to fake to him. yup. thats how he sees us now, and including me. he said, it's not like last year, he said, im different, he said, staying here would justmake him feels sadder cuz he felt that he's no longer needed here.

every word he said, repeated in my mind over and over again from time to time since last night till now. i simply cant get them off my mind. i cried when jeff brought it up today. cuz.. i feel so bad. not to say, i ahvent been able to make the club bond. i havent been able to do a good job. i havent.. been a good friend. and i've no choice but to let someone who was once full of life, leave like that. how i wish he would want to give us another chance? let everyone have a chance to try to build up a REAL friendship once again. wad have i done in the club this year? nothing much. i cant handle it. not at all. being a senior, i can do nothing. feeling really crushed now. sigh..... it's near to the end of the year... yet making me realise.. for the past half a year in the club.. every little thing we did, could just lead to something like that today.

we neglected others feelings? perhaps. i dun totally disagree with wad shingo told me last night. i went thru it. i got over it. thats why im still here. i stood firmly with my beliefs, that we're the only ones who could make things happen, instead of waiting for things to happen. thats why im still here. but god, i realised, i cant do it anymore. everything that im doing, feels so... redundant now.

perhaps. im the one who did not move on. the club last year, and this year, is so diff. perhaps i refused to admit that yes im working with a diff bunch of ppl, yes we need to deal with it in a diff perspective, and approach. thats why, i had so much probs adapting. but finally when i have spent enough time trying to realise this point, i guess everything is too late. im sorry joanne, guess thats the max i could do now. heard from jeff, that jo said shes proud ofme? ha.. when i heard that from him.. the first thing that came to my mind was.. what is there to be proud of? cuz im not doing a good job at all. bendy. he's trying his best. i could see it. and im glad. but.. is that the best we could do?

wads abt passion. wads abt.. feeling transparent. theres no r/s built up. everything else seems pointless to talk about. im disapppointed. i couldnt make things happen. i watched things happen and yet i could do nothing abt it. God. tell me please, that sometimes, theres just this much one can do. cuz right now, that thinking that i always tried to tell those who feels discouraged, doesnt seem to be working well on me. thinking abt it makes me feel like crying. I nv knew, being in the club would bring me so much pain, pain to see others fall and i cant do anything abt it..

i want to speak to wallace. perhaps, he could counsel me. tell me how to feel. tell me wad to do, and how to handle. so lsot. so much things to do right now. with my mp, blood drive. sip, hosp proj, club work, arts fest, everything else. god. all i need is strength and confidence.

Jeff felt bad for not noticing that im troubled. ha. like i had said before.. nowadays, im one who could hide my own emotions so well sometimes that i dun even feel anything. all i do is smile and talk rubbish. my forte. so.. i dun blame anyone or even him for not knowing how i feel. cuz unless i talk about it, if not, i dun think anyone would know. HAHA. so lame..

alright. enough of crap. it;s late. i'd either carry on with my work.. or go to slp. ha. nights.