ho ho ho. i realised i havent blogged for an entire week. or rather, i havent been online for the entire week. cuz i was so obesessed with this korean show that my colleague lent me a couple of weeks ago, which i only started watching last sunday. and it caught me. and finally i managed to finish it last night, and here i am back here writing about my life story.
hmmm. anyway first of all. today's 26th. =) happy day.
I managed to talk to charmaine again. though it's not over the phone yet, but im really glad that we can just talk over sms. wow, taking the first step was certainly hard, cuz i was so scared she wouldnt want to reply me. but ayes, im grateful, cuz she replied and she said she understood how i was feeling. sigh. that day when i first smsed her, i cried and cried. guess i'd been keeping it to myself for too long. there was nv a day before that that i did not think of her, and our problems. sigh. felt so guilty. even until now, i still feel that way. just that im feeling a little happier. =)
hmmm. work has been like that. like that. but bad thing is, im gonna change my major project title. sigh. went back to sch to see ms hor on wed for like an hr plus. and realised tt months tt i spent, i did nothing much but a wrong approach. and she said i wasnt putting in effort in my work. i duno why, but this sentence just kept ringing my mind. perhaps it really sucks when someone's telling u straight in ur face that ur quality of work sucks and u wont score with that. yeah i guess so. she also talked to me abt setting my priorities right. which i agree, for the past 2 weeks before this, i'd been returning to sch everyday of my life after work, just to make sure arts fest was going well. even until now, it's still not going well. she said it feels like im already officially in my working life, yet im taking a part time course which requires me to be back every evening. yeah, i told her, im tired. in fact, im really tired. it's been months that it's been like that. ever since i started my sip.
someitmes i really wished im being posted to somewhere further away from school. at least the urge to return to check things out would not be that great. and perhaps.... in that way, i'd have been already used to not being there in the club. cuz it's been like 3 months? sigh. how can i not want to know about the projects progress? It's not that i dun trust bendy, but perhaps sometimes he doesnt even know wad to do. and that he's so involved in his own sch project work as well. how can i not help out? but sigh. im disappointed in myself. cuz i realised that, perhaps with all my heart to help ppl and finish my own work, i only managed to do them half-heartedly. at least if i had done well in one aspect that i feel i should be, i would feel better. but apparently, i feel that im screwing up everything. cuz i cant concentrate. i cant find a focus.
had been rather upset with my own financial problems. which i realised when it comes to money matters, even siblings could fall out cuz of that. i thot i only watched it on news or tv serials, which i nv thot there could be a possibility in happening to me. but i guess it would happen it this goes on. i wish my bro could move out of my house soon. really. sigh. so much to pay again. when can this cycle ever end. suddenly i dun feel like going to sch at all, i just want to go out and find a job, that pays me MORE than 300 bucks a month? even if i have to slog my life away working, i dun want to live a life full of debts. i grew up being like that. i knew i have to take on the responsibility to work and help the family, but u know.. someitmes it can just get so tiring. so tiring that i feel breathless whenever i think about it. and i hate to see the expressino my mum has whenever she's worried about money. i feel so useless sometimes. or i've been told to be useless by my bro. i tried to be strong. i always tried, at least in front of my parents. but it's just to tiring sometimes, especially when it's bene years ever since i started to know wads happening in my house. sighhhhh. i hate money. why would anyone want to be a slave for money? when money could cause all miseries to so many families around. it'll really be sad if one just live for money for their entire life. something tt i can nv agree on. yes im troubled, im so troubled.
and i feel bad too. cuz im so invovled with my own thigns, that im totally insensitive to how jeff feels at times. i duno wads going on in his life thats making him sad. but i know, i am making him sad too. sigh. but i really dun mean it. just that sometimes, i wished for someone to just tell me that everything's gonna be okie. everything will be fine. i dun have to hear solutions. just tell me, evebrything will pass. that would be enough. and the restof the things, i will be able to settle them myself. sigh. but ayes, sometimes i cant bring message across. as usual.
i had slight fever last night. and my rashes are still here. but looking better. i hope they go off really soon. i feel lame walking around with my rashes and having ppl asking me wads hapenning to me all the time. it's just so irritating. grrrrrrrr.
ayes. so many thigns to handle. i feel like dying.
anyway, time to prepare to go to church. yeah. cya.
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