go go arts fest

haha. went back for arts fest meeting today. well, things were not going so well cuz ms hor simply din like our ideas. but thank GOd, the sub comms were so helpful. i guess we'll pull thru this time round. and more interesting ideas just get me more excited each time round. =) meeting with wallace and mag hor on friday instead.

had free buffet lunch today again. cuz got lecture talk. haha. wa, it was like HELL boring. i was struggling to keep myself awake during tt pathetic half an hour which felt like HOURS. haha. din doze off cuz yen yen was just sitting right behind me. but apaprently, my two friends were like nodding and swaying away slping in front of me. haha damn funny, so i was kinda entertained for some time, laughing to myself. haha. Oh. and yen yen asked if i would like to work in the pharmacy after i graduate next year. i din give her a reply, but she asked me to tink abt it.

now im at a crossroad yeah? suddenly felt like it's time to think of my future. had been living in my own world for the past 3 years. if it's not been studies club, i guess i would be the most ordinary girl that one could ever be, working hard for exams, getting good grades, and trying to get into uni. but right now.. haha. i wonder where i could go. really wondering. cuz my grades are not fantastic, i dun feel like working under my field. i wonder wad have i been studying for. had been thinking alot ever since i started on sip. maybe it's time for a little girl like me to realise that im going to be an adult very soon? haha. so weird i know. sigh. sad at the same time. guess it's a sad transition period everyone has to go thru.

actually, the job at pharmacy isnt that bad. ppl there are nice and friendly. but.. i gues the only thing tts holding me back now is that i dun want to start work this early, and probably, i cant bear to let go of the club. ahhh. it's hard to describe the sadness in me. sigh... it's hard for people who'd not went thru these 3 years to understand how im feeling. really. cuz they've no idea how the club has changed me, and helped me, and gave me hope in things tt i do. confidence din come from me, but it was trained. i don't blame charmaine and others to not understand. it's my fault somehow if i nv made it clear, or maybe she nv really wanted to hear all this from me. nearly 7 to 8 years of friendship, seemed that shallow all of a sudden. she no longer knew me, neither do i. difference in opinion, likings, really did matter to best friends? im not sure. sigh. but years after years, im still not that kinda girl that would splurge on shopping, would learn to sell stuff online, would go try out cigar, and go cluBbing for fun. i don't know. somehow, i felt like i dun fit in there anymore. all these years, how hard had i been tyring to fit in? and how hard had they been tyring to blend in with me. everyhting seemed so hard. i changed. yeah. perhaps i did, i dun deny. cuz i learnt to have my own thinking, begin to know wad i want in life and working hard towards it. but ayes, i had been a bad friend. to carene, to her, i failed as a good friend, not to even consider myself as a best friend. it's childish, indeed, to call myself her best friend, when i nv knew wads happening in her life. it's my fault, that carene had been sad. i couldnt do anyting, yet i wasnt there when i rpomised to. i had been feeling so bad, till i dun even dare to talk to her sometimes, and charm hit right on the spot.what can i do to make charm feel better now? maybe, it's by just staying away. less promises, less heartache.

i really love the club. the word is love. my heart and soul, had been in there for how long. sometimes i really think, did the choice to join the club serve as something good for me, or caused me to lose people who were impt to me? i feel so empty right now. i really missed them. but i guess i cant say tt to them now. cuz it just seemed so fake yeah? =(

and jefffffff. working hard right now to earn money. i'll be more on my own la. but i think i'll be fine.. i can always look for zhiwei they all whenever im bored and all. after all, it's a good thing to be working wad. i shoudlnt be so unreasonable and be a piece of shit. jefff is too nice sometimes, i know how hard it is to accomdate another person, i wished he would care more abt himself somehow. it kinda.. makes me feel sad seeing him so tired, still seeing me in the morning to fetch me to work whenver he can. though i will be happy to see him, i seriously wished he could have more rest. glad he's working at the place where he likes, rather than slogging his life away in muahammd sultan. but tt means, weekends would be gone. =( oh well, cant be helped la. so we'll just have to see how it goes. =)

alright. im tired. time to do some work and get to slp. nights....