bahhhhh

well. i duno when my monitor will just shut down by itself. currently, it's in bad state la. cant stand it. i wished i had the money to pay for stuff. perhaps.. i should just go get a part time job huh? maybe. hmmm. now im thinking of it. cuz im really broke. =(

anyways. past few days at work had been mandane. im so BORED. gosh. seriously. but anyways, it's a good time for me to rest, since everyday after work i gotta go down to sch to settle diff stuff regarding the club. hectic, sure it is. haha.

hmmm FINALLY spoke to wallace today. regaridng arts fest proposal. THANK god. finally. finally we can edit and do some changes to it!!! argh. had been waiting for sO long. more changes to be made. but it seemd tt we have easier jobs to do now. ensure quality, not quantity. =) fun. but oh well. im no longer the co-org. haha. gave the chance to gowri. but i guess it doesnt really matter to me now. im like a coordinator in almost all projs. HA. so lame. Vp ma. what to do. but God, sometimes i really wished that i could do more? i wished i could stretch over my limits, and do the best i can for the club, for the memebers. but i realised that, everyone has their limits. EVen i, whom ppl thought im somehow a super girl, have my own limits. im rather sad. angry and disappointed with myself, the way im handling the club, seemed so half-hearted. i coudlnt forgive myself for even thot of running away from problems, instead of thiking of how to solve them. until wallace spoke to many of us that day. i thot, perhaps it's my fault, since im the senior senior. i havent been guiding them well. it's a HUge responsibility. perhaps, i know my stuff well, but i duno how to transfer my knowledge to others. sigh. so discouraged. really am. and i had been racking my brain, on how to speak to certain ppl, how to handle certain stuff, how to make things better for certain projects. but they simply jam up my brain flow. sighhhh. this had been a bad year, im so sure im learning alot. but are the others learning as well? that im not sure. but im sure, i've not done my job well enough. i cant blame bendy, cuz he himself have so much to learn. im impressed, cuz after all, it hasnt been easy. but i can see that he's becoming independent, running here and there for diff projs. efforts, really appreciated. thuogh we still have clashes, but im sure we're working better than before. haha. but hai, im worried about him. worried that he couldnt cope, be it studies, or the club, or at home. i wish i could help him ease the workload, and im trying. things arent easy.

if i can, i would just send out an email.. pointing out diff areas that the main comms havent been performing well in. and all about how i feel. but i guess if i do that, i could just demoralise some. lemme think. are there any other ways? im not sure. but im quite sick of being the bad person to point out harsh facts all the times, though im sure im quite capable in doing that. i'd lvoe to be like bendy, love motivation, using encoruaging words, from time to time. but i also believe, in order to get work done, some times, a pet talk is necessary. sigh. and i feel bad, cuz ms hor and wallace are like handling domestic affairs. im not sure if we're too dependent on them, but im sure they're already doing so much for us, yet we nv realised it.

had been very moody recently,. cuz of evryting tts happening. stressed up once again? perhaps. anyway, it's ok to be moody if im alone. but now im not, which is bad? its bad cuz jeff has to tolerate all my nonsense. my sulky face, my tantrums, esp my Attitude problem. sigh. he's been working. i dun dare to say much of how im feeling, cuz i dun want him to be too worried as well. yet at the same time, i wished he was there. i don't know. i'd really love to spend more time with him alone, some quality time. cuz i know, whenever im with the club ppl, my attention will nv be solely on him. i'd talk to everyone else, except hjim. thats so mean. he said he din mind, but i do. cuz it made me feel like im neglecting him. oh my. im damn gay now. HAAH. but anyways, we dun talk much when we're with the rest, do we? sigh. wonder if he understood where im coming from. but anyways, he wontr have much time la. work loh. earn money is good. perhaps i should take up a job too. though i already have one.

moody, sad, disappointed. worried especially. at a loss. scared. tired. exhausted. sigh. i need to go wash club shirt. i ahvent washed it since i last wore it on sat. Eeeewwww. AHHA. lame. gdnight.