Merry merry xmas

merry xmas to all.
it's like... 1 plus and im not aslpp.
feeling really disturbed.

but still. update first.
iw ent shopping once again with janice at parkway.
and great deals came for 2 working pants and 1 dress costing me ten bucks only.
i was happy.

met my beloved few.
kong, sis, azuan and zhiwei for dinner.
took a lOnnggg time and we actually finally ate at kopitiam at clark quay.
it's amazing how i travelled all the way there for kopitiam.
HAHA. but yeah. my fault cuz i was darn hungry.
forgot lunch when shopping. fantastic me.
chilled at TCC for the longest time.
talked about many things... 2009 trip, reflection for the year 2008 and so on.
great time listening and talking. =)
will do reflection sometime soon. not now.

not in the right state of mood.
not at all.

havent been talking to peck for the longest time.
1 week. no sms at all. well, have to emphasize that it isnt normal.
and... yup. i finally took out the book to read her entries..

well. not that i didnt want to read a week back.
but i knew there wouldnt be good things coming out from her.
it's... a norm. at least for these past few months.

just as expected. nothing good.
just things about how sucky i am as a friend to her.
how she decided to give up on trying.

disappointed.
im saying it for the last time, i really give up already.
if it's so difficult, why bother trying too hard.
thinkings clashed, perceptions are diff, misunderstandings just accumulate.
attempts to solve the unresolved increased but no results shown.
im fucking tired of all the accusations.

of all the things she assumed im assuming.
tried of being called a lousy friend.
tired of being called i don't give a damn and dont bother.
tired of being how i don't care in front of her.

u know. raelly. i don't care anymore.
if it's so difficult, don't be my friend then.
i hate it whenever she says, then it's my fault, evrything's my fault. happy?
fuck it.
it's pissingly annoying.

i don't reallycare who's right or wrong anymore.
words of accusations should stop. from me, from her.
being a friend can be even tougher than running a week zero orientation.

im sorry.
cant do it anymore. my heart is always sinking. so is hers.
why bother. i hate to have a change in my facial expression and mood at the mention of her.
i hate to be stuck at crossroads not knowing how i should tackle and move on.
so i decided to go on a third way out.

the word fuck comes out seriously. cuz i fucking don't know wad to do anymore.
it's over my limit of frustrations, patience, tolerance, and yes, to know how sucky i am as a friend.
i don't beg ppl to be my friend. if u cn click, so be it. if end up we don't click... then.. im sorry.

how sad.
i tell her everything about my life.
evreything. more than anyone else.
stayovers, suppers.. those are fake huh. entertaining her huh.
shes probably regarded as the one of the more impt ppl in my life.
but perhaps, to her, it's nothing. im just being fake and fidning excuses all the time.
it's so hurting. i wont want to read it all over again.

thats the end i guess.

what a f-up post tonight on xmas day.

why cant i smile even if im sad.
why cant i smile even if im angry a moment ago.
why cant i.
it's just a side of me protects myself from getting hurt in anyway.
so i like to be treated like a retard and idiot? of course not.
fuck la.

getting really vulgar. forget it.
im tired of everything that i've stated.
last time im posting of such crappy entries. i better keep my word. Brrrrr.

nights.