Alone time

I'd been stoning at home and around neighbourhood since morning.

=) ate porridge mum bought for breakfast. Went online to view bintan photos and 'tried really hard' to upload them. too bad, this pathetic comp failed on me not another time.

went over to grandma's house to pack med for her. sigh. her injections increased frequency and dosage. meaning its getting harder to control her blood sugar level. worrying.

walked to the nearest internet cafe opposite my hse and surfed net. i know it's pathetic! 3 bucks per hour's okie la. it loaded things much faster than my stupid comp. and sigh, just that it couldnt read my cd full of pictures. no chance to upload once again. ended up watching youtube which i yearned for SO LONG. =)

I'm happy. spending time alone. this hasnt happened for the past 2 months plus.

peace and serenity is all im feeling. though i don't really have much to do.

to much socializing. too big a social circle. feeling suffocated in the midst of entertaining ppl.

bdae's over. time to sit down and think of wad i want in life. it has always been a pondering qns for me. but the ans has never came.

just want sometime alone. feels good when ppl don't msg me at all. nobody asking me wad am i doing now, or wad am i doing later. or, asking me to entertain them. i'd been so pre-occupied with human being matters. which makes me depressed and emo. i'm so sorry ppl. cuz grace chan is not able to contain all that anymore. it's been too long, and too much. just 3 days away from spore didn't help at all. cuz to me, that was just purely escaping from reality. cuz once im back, everyone started pouring out their souls to me again.

i only have that amount of capacity to contain. even if i have a big heart. but how much can the biggest heart contain? theres always a limit.

sorry that i havent been a good friend to many. trying very hard. but it always backfires. sometimes it becomes tiring to be even trying.

i'm losing the grip. feel like i'm losing the strength. the selfish thoughts i have in me are killing me. pressing me to just be indifferent, and ignore all ppl.

i wish i could be stronger. i wish i AM stronger than wad i think. sadly, im not!

emo-ing. why din i bother doing that in bintan? so perhaps i'd have felt better nOW. haha. too bad, im not wallace lim. i just wanted to run away. =)

give me more time. i need a really good break. spend time with my family. dinnering with bro and sis in-law tonight. bathing my dearest wewe before meeting them. going out with my second bro, sis in-law and mum on sat. hugging my dad more often when i see him in the morning.

i missed my parents, and my brothers. i'd been away for so damn long. not even a chance to talk, or even see my dad for months? haha. i'm a bad daughter. din even wish him happy bdae on his bdae.

My parents said they want to go bintan too. maybe i should have a good family trip with them. though i nv know when's my leave coming up again, which is another thing thats bothering me.

SIGH. where am i heading in life? i don't know. a better paying job? a job that i love? or another job that doesnt require me to talk whole day long.

so lost. just one day being alone nv seem enough. cuz i've too much things to think about.

i love my friends who tell me their problems. but im sorry. thats all i can be, a good listener. and be affected together with you. but i cant help but to feel helpless.

I'm sooooo GLAD that sis is back. to hear my whining and complaints abt life. i'd been quiet for far too long. making me feel like another wallace lim, who'd smile and laugh 1 min after sobbing and crying. how fake, and trying too hard. Brrr.

alrights. might whine again later. time to rest my eyes and get back to my pictures.