I need my life back

well.. this is just going to be another depressing entry. not really worth reading. but i just needed some space to talk about it. think if i keep it to myself any further.. i'm seriously going bonkers.

i'd been trying my very best to live normally. To laugh when i feel like it, to be pissed off when i feel like it, to entertain and be entertained when i feel like it. i'd been doing anything i like. i'd been classifying that kinda actions under real freedom. thats because, im single!

but.. it just sucks because everytime at the end of the day.. when im finally away from these ppl, my friends, colleagues, family. i feel really empty. i start to wonder, why am i doing all these for. am i really doing it cuz i want to? or am i just putting up a strong front? am i behaving normally, or am i just purely acting weirdly? i'd been trying really hard. too hard. to get back to a normal lifestyle. seemingly i am doing it, back on the right track, as how everyone else wished i'll be, as how everyone see me to be.

but im not. i've to be honest with myself. and im getting really tired not being myself. nowdays, i don't even know if i should be angry, or why am i being angry for. over ppl who care and i'd pick little things to argue and be angry at. i think im crazy. if not, i'd be laughing and talking like an idiot, a bimbo, everything just doesnt pass thru my mind. i wonder if im really functioning.

i'm not sure wad am i now. every morning and night, i'll think about this question. who am i trying to be now? i'm really damn tired of all these shits that'd been having all over me.

and wad is he doing? happily going out with that girl. so due to pride and all, i pretended that im living a really happy life without him. it's so stupid right. cuz i know im not, and i do feel pathetic inside. bloody hell. why is he doing all this to me.

u know. i was once normal and happy. and happier.

human beings change overnight. yup. so do computers. they get virus overnight. i'm damn upset that my photos from his comp are all gone. all my thailand trip, m'sia trip photos with my colleagues. are all gone... everything else, all the photos we had, all gone. it feels like even the comp is trying to erase all those memories for me. thanks dude. virus worked at the right time huh? now i don't even need to meet him to get back anything. thats cool.

if it's all fated to be. then shouldnt my dear god let me have some anticipation. at least i don't feel this bad now. cuz i havent been NOT feeling like an idiot, or to be exact, a bloody fool.

and u know wads the worst thing?! human being has moved on. with his happy lifestyle. but not me, still stuck with those unwanted feelings for him, and yes, idiotic thinkings of how dumb i was.

sigh. whatever. life just suck sometimes.

im done complaining.