hello! anyway i'm almost dying of exhuastion. had been really tired and stressed up this week. sigh things just havent been going well. had been thinking alot. thats why probably my brain never gets to rest. ha. so after this i shall go to slp soon.
had a great weekend last week. went cycling with janelle janice and meli. dinner was at lagoon and then ice cream and brownies at blu jazz cafe at bali lane near bugis. it was a not bad cafe. food there was quite cheap. sat night was clubbing at mos. well. it was quite fun. but the songs there were erally boring. haha and it was a funny sight to see everyone trying to dance in that cage. well went to find jeff after that and slept at six am in the morning. yawn i could just die man, we had macdonald breakfast though. =)
sunday evening was a meet up with wallace and gang. ha. talked tonnes of crap again. and heard disheartening stuff about club and blah blah. as usual. wads new. but it just gets depressing everytime when i choose to thinka bout it. i thought i've learnt to just forget about everything and concentrate on living my life well. sigh. had a fight with zhiwei over some really stupid stuff. i guess its like the first time we really said so harsh things to each other. it was bad.
but thank god, things were fine the next day after i decided to apologize. as usual, u know when im mad i say ridiculous things.
wow. my eyes are closing that i cant concentrate on the screen alr. dying.... haha.
anyway. im at jeff's place now. just finished watching the last episode of this korean show called thank you. a show about gratitude. wow. the guy's damn handsome. im sad that it's over. but it was a good show to teach ppl who don't appreciate things around them. ha. and be thankful and grateful to ppl.
whenever i think abt that. i think of my eldest brother and wife. they're seriously getting on my nerves. snapping them as well. bro is still jobless, having no intention to look for a job. having the excuse to study for this degree exam, he's slacking at home. with his wife joining him in front of the tv every single night, with dvds, or channels that they enjoy. mum and i havent touched scv for like damn long. gave up.
something more absurd happened. bro said he wont be contributing in the household expenses and utility bills since he's jobless. and mum can pay that amount on his behalf so that she can return him the money she owed him. like HELLO. if my parents had the money, they wont even borrow from him. and talk about debts. how much did he owe them then? i'm just so disgusted by their behaviours and attitudes. wad kinda shit is this?
every night. i see my mum tiring herself up trying to clean up the house, washing clothes, washing dishes. and brother's wife is happily sitting in front of the tv, drinking from the tea cup (which they nv did wash it everytime, just leave it lying around) and enjoying the shows with my brother. disgusted. im thoroughly disgusted. everynight i go home, i get angry.
but do i have the right to say anything? mum doesnt want to make things worse since they just announced that they'll only be moving out of my hse early NEXT year in 2009. sigh. so wad. they're going to live off my parents for the whole eyar. the wife will only feed her own mum with her pay. i so wanna scold the f word alr. wad the freak. and just two nights ago, mum moved my bed over to her room. so the couple could have a room on their own. why is she so nice to them?
i think i'll nv understand until i have children of my own. sigh. but i'd been damn sad recently. could i must bottle up my feelings and anger. they just have nowhere to be released. it's really tiring to be thinking about it when i open my eyes when i wake up, and before i close them to fall aslp.
i want to quit my job. but it seems rather impossible for the time being. who's gonna help support my parents if i also quit my job? money wont jsut drop from the sky. everyday i dread going to work. but miraculously, i stopped going to drs to fake mcs. cuz i don't feel like lying to the dr and be like a good for nothing staying at home, facing my good for nothing brother. so depressing.
it's a horrible feeling to not want to go home. the only reason i go home nowadays is to talk to my mum and slp. isnt that bad. cuz the only reason i go to work these days is for the pay at the end of the month.
i don't know why am i living for. living life is sucha tiring thing to do. can i be like my brother? feels so relaxed about everything. ridiculously.
so tired. every now and then i feel like crying. when working, when slping, when im awake. sigh.
thank god it's weekend. i need a break. sigh.
still gonna work tomor, yes it's sat. gdnight.
time to slp! brrrr.
gracey
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